Man is Born, Man suffers, Man Dies

It's not that I don't like love, or happiness. It's just that I am having a hard time moving forward. Moving on isn't hard, moving forward is. Moving past my bad experiences, moving past the fears and insecurities they created. It's hard to see someone going through something similar to what I just finished going through that didn't end well. I don't want to poison people against things that could result in amazing life changing circumstances, I just want them to be careful. When I see or hear things that are identical to what he said to me, my instincts start screaming to run away.. This has very little to do with how well I know someone, it's just instincts. So I'm trying my damnest to not run away screaming. I'm trying insanely hard to be supportive, but it's hard. I'm emotionally damaged, and after the fiasco my instincts got me into last time, I'm not exactly trusting them right now.

Hear me Roar

I love my job. Don't laugh. I honestly love it. I'm an assistant manager at the local movie theatre. I have been there for 8 years. I love working nights, and I love the atmosphere. We're a fun group of people. However, since my child started kindergarten, working nights has become a conflict. I need to seek full time employment some where that will allow me to maximize the time I am able to spend with my child when she is not in school. I have a high school diploma, as well as some university education. I would love to find a job to meet my needs, as well as be something that I could turn into a career. I want to be able to go back to university and get a degree to help further my career. I've been filling out applications, and I have to tell you, they make me feel like an unintelligent under qualified slacker. One has an online option to fill out a skills profile.. so after and hour and a half, it was determined that I can answer phones, speak English, type, file paperwork, and deal with people. Lucky me. Oh, and I have company Loyalty. Not that that counts for anything. All I want is to be able to pay all my bills in the same month, provide for my child, and raise her right. I'm not scared of a little hard work, and through perseverance I will succeed. I am independant, Hear me Roar.

Word Epilepsy

So I have been reading "Of Human Bondage" by W. Somerset Maugham, and beside finding it very.. "English", I like it. I'm learning all sorts of new vocabulary. "Expostulated" and "ineradicably" "Sonorous" and "Gregarious" "Obsequiously". I love reading something and finding new words. They make me feel.. intelligent. I own an e-reader, and as much flack as I receive for having one, I love it. It has a built in dictionary, which is one feature that I find insanely useful. I was once told that when you are reading something and you come across a word that you don't know the meaning of, you might as well stop, and look it up. The author put that word there for a reason, and if you don't understand the word, then anything you read after that word will be a waste of time and effort, for without knowing what that one word meant, the text looses integrity. This became stuck in my head, and every time I come across a word I don't know, I have a desire to look it up. I love how easy it is with an "in book" dictionary. Don't get me wrong, I love books. I love their look, feel, smell, the sound made when you turn the page.. I wouldn't trade my books for data versions, but I like the convenience of the e-reader. I tend to read any where I can, and I love not having to carry multiple novels in my purse, just in case I finished one. I still love the smell of an old book, and the feel of a new one. Also, when reading in bed and falling asleep, the e-reader doesn't hurt quite so bad when it bops you on the nose. So in conclusion, "Slatternly".

Snowflake Flowers

25 kg of flour
15 kg of sugar
15 lbs of margerine
24 cookie cutters
3 dozen eggs
10 lbs butter

So I'm finally starting my Christmas baking..my snowflakes now look like flowers.. so i switched to stars.. it's gonna be a LONG season this year....

I wish, I wish

My daughter asked me what my Christmas wish was. I answered, "My wish is that you never know hunger, never know homelessness, never feel hopeless." I wish that she grows up loving herself, and never compromises for anyone. I wish that she grows up strong and sure of herself. I wish that she always feels loved and always feels that she can always come home. My wish, is for her to be a child and to enjoy her childhood. My wish is for her to not grow up before she has too. I want my daughter to look back on her childhood and remember happy  things. She is my mirror.

No, I do not know Tom from Toronto, though I'm sure he is very nice.

h good God. Yes, Canada has a military, you sarcastic ass. Just because we don't over compensate by having enough nuclear weapons to over kill the world 28 times, doesn't mean we can't defend our borders or our allies. Who was one of the FIRST countries to support the U.S. in their war on Terrorism and send troops into Afghanistan and Iraq? The Canadians. So don't go off about the Canadian Military. We have one, we use it, and you should be fucking thankful. Arrogant American Asses. I'm so tired of Americans thinking that their way is the only way. The only safe thing about living next to the States is that they wouldn't risk setting off a nuclear weapon in their own back yard. That being said... They think their military is so all powerful, when in fact, it isn't, it's just more technologically advanced then others. The Chinese military out numbers them .. what.. 10 to 1? I'm really tired of Americans joking about the Canadian military. We're their ally, and act as such, so why don't they behave as such? Oh right, because they're Americans, King Shit of Turd Alley. <breathes> I know right now it sounds like I hate Americans, but I don't. I just don't like certain individuals who are of the mindset that Canada is a backward nation. We do not have snow year round, we do not live in igloos, and we do have a Military.

There is no easy way out.

One of the hardest things about being a single parent is making the decision about work. Do I take more hours to make more money to make ends meet, which would mean less time with my kid, or do I decline the extra hours, tighten the budget and spend one more night a week with my kid? You think it would be an easy decision.. it's not. The worst part is, I have to make this decision by myself. There is no one I can turn to for advice on this. Its a dilemma, and all sides need to be considered before I make my choice.. I want to make the best choice for my kid.. Welcome to another lonely stressful night of agonizing decision making. My biggest wishes are for my kid to grow up happy and healthy, and to pay the phone bill, the cable bill and the electric bill all in the same month. Such simple things.. why do they seem so in-achievable?

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

I don't like being 26. By age 26, I'm supposed to have this figured out. I'm supposed to have a degree, a house, a car, a husband ( according to some people), a career. I'm supposed to have a direction, and be a reliable member of society. Well, I thought I had it all figured out, and I thought I was well on my way to having all that and more. Turns out, I was on the wrong track. Wrong place, Wrong Time, and all that Jazz. Now here I am, a single mother who works part time. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but with a kid in school, working nights is hard to balance. I miss my kid, and it's hard on her. I have a decent apartment. It's nothing special, but it's all I can afford. I have a high school diploma, and a year of university behind me. I'd have continued university, but I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and I still don't. I lack direction. I'm lost. I'm not giving up, I'm just stalled.

Don't jump the gun.

Well, I survived my birthday. Now I'm facing a new dilemma.. Christmas.. Don't get me wrong, I love the Christmas season, however, It shouldn't start until December 1st. There is no sane reason for store to bring out the Christmas stock before Halloween is even finished. December 1st I start decorating, but my tree doesn't go up until December 18th. If you have all your decorations up in November, what the heck are you going to do in December? The Christmas season should be cherished, and treasured, not drawn out and stretched thin. It is supposed to be a magical time of year, not a tax quarterly. I remember going to the mountains with my family to a tree farm to get our tree. It was a whole weekend affair. The whole family getting together, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins all of us climbing in the mountains, sledding, hot chocolate, cross country skiing, picking trees, cutting them down, snow falling in big fluffy flakes.. EVERYTHING smelling crisp and fresh... It's one of my strongest memories. It was never about gifts, it was always about family. Christmas dinner was a three day affair steeped in tradition. Day before Christmas Eve, there was wood to be chopped and stock piled, the pit to be dig, the suckling pig to be prepped, soups to be started, and bread to be baked. Then Christmas Eve day, fasting, no meat or butter. Which was pure torture, because while we are abstaining from meat, the pig is being roasted over a fire on a giant spit. Everyone had to take their turn turning the spit and basting the pig. The smell almost drove you crazy. Christmas Eve was a 12 course meal of bean soup, seafood, bread and veggies, with each course having a special meaning, prayer and tradition.. then Midnight Mass. Once everyone came home from Mass, we could have meat and butter again, so there was a midnight supper of roasted pig. Then to bed, Christmas Morning involved baked crepes called Polechika, with more of the roast pig, presents, and prepping the Tradition dinner.. While the turkey roasted, back to Mass, then home to finish dinner. By the time we reach Boxing Day, there are enough left overs to feed the entire family for a week. Everyone helps, and every takes home left overs. Christmas was about traditions and family. The way it should be.

i've seen all the classics, i know every line..

so, i turn 26 today.. and i hate it. at 26 a person should know what they are going to do with their lives, and have a pretty decent head start on it.. well i have no idea. not a single one. all i can think about right now is everything that has happened in the last year.. and think of all the colossal fuck ups i've made.. yup, gonna be a fun birthday.

Orange and Black Day doesn't count.

so it's Halloween.. and my kindergarten aged child is not allowed to wear her Halloween costume to school.. why? "Because we have so many students who do not believe in Halloween (religious reasons) or who are not permitted to participate in Halloween, or who come from war torn countries." Umm.. so let me get this straight.. you're telling me that to protect the rights of new immigrants to MY community, you are taking away MY child's right to participate in OUR cultures holidays?! You've got to be shitting me. I was born and raised here, and so was my child, so what makes their rights take precedents over mine and my child's?  You don't celebrate Halloween, fine, don't. But don't take away someone else's right too. I understand the no guns / weapons thing. That's just common sense.. all costumes should correspond with the school's dress code.. but not allowing children to dress up at all? That's bullshit. And no, "Orange and Black Day" does not count.

Bella Swan, the biggest setback to feminism since the Sandwich.

Ladies and gentlemen.. the count down to the beginning of the end is on!! Part one of Breaking Dawn is released in less that a month. then, a year after that, part two. Last year, I sponsored "Kill a Cullen" on Bloodlines.. this year.. ah hell, just let the mocking be brutal. Take no prisoners, and give no ground. I applaud Stephanie Meyer on her success, and Hollywood, for equally turning it into the biggest joke. I could do a slew of Twilight jokes, and Edward jokes, but that would just be cheap funny. Here is a protagonist we are supposed to relate to.. and she is so mind numbingly brain dead in the movies. If she had two brain cells to rub together.. but that would require brain cells. Girls, let's be honest. There is a safety switch wired into our subconscious, similar to how you cannot drown yourself by holding your own head under water, or how your eyelids close when you sneeze. We all have this instinct for when to get the hell out of the relationship. We fight this instinct and call it love. Bella has the most dependent nature in EVERY relationship she has. She needs her mom and her dad to need her. If left alone, they could be perfectly competent adults, her dad is a police chief for crying out loud. Edward, she is just plain dependent on, same with Jacob. So my dear anti-twi-hards, why go for the cheap and easy funny, look closer at what we mock, and find the deeper issues, and we will find more material. Everyone can make a fart joke, but it takes real comedians to do political stand up. Keep Calm, and mock on.

ok. who ordered the hurricane?

I love how it's not my drama.. It's the people around me.. and my kiddo has determined that she wants a baby brother. Given my single status, that's not going to happen anytime soon. I never really wanted kids, and mine was a surprise, so more kids? Right now, I'm saying no, no way in hell. I have enough troubles balancing a budget as is. Babies are expensive. A gift from God and a blessing, but expensive. I have other financial needs to take care of first, like a car, bills, rent, saving for a house, glasses, braces, school fees, and the list continues. I cannot afford another kid anytime soon, so my kiddo is out of luck.

These aren't the droids your looking for.

What's with hating your ex's new one? It seems to be predestined without provocation. Is it in our nature or just mine? I mean.. she literally makes me sick to my stomach. I'm still friends with him on social media, and we parted amicably, and I've had (and ended) a relationship since him.. but the one he chose? She makes me nauseous. "I wuv you sooooooooo much" Gag. Barf. Not a mature reaction, I know..and honestly I have tried very hard to not hate her.. to give her a chance.. but Christ on a cracker.. she's pushing it.. If wishful thinking made things happen.. oh wait.. that's premeditation.. never mind. You didn't read anything. Move along.

Oy with the Poodles Already.

So it was Thanksgiving weekend here.... and I spent it working :) WOOHOO for STAT pay!!!! <3 I love holidays! <3 not because I spend time with family... but because I make a frigging killing while everyone else takes the weekend off.... so I can afford other holidays.. like Christmas. Needless to say I have nothing to say right now.. too tired.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Not my Brightest Day...

So, after working 26 hours in three days (part time job), my brain has become primordial ooze. While standing in a Halloween  isle at the store I looked at my dad and said "It's October, isn't it." He damn near hit me. I'm a dumb-ass. Shun me.

Who's Driving This Bus?

Ever have the feeling where your brain has the consistency of warm Jell-o? That's about how I feel right now. I know I have brain cells, and I know they are functioning because I'm breathing, but other than that.. no juice left in the brain battery. I know there are other, more important things to be doing now, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do them.. So here's to procrastination.. may everything wait until tomorrow.

insert funny comment here.

Huh.. trying to write something everyday when you have no life is HARD!! Seriously, all I do is work, and raise my kid. There is sleep and food involved somewhere..oh, and coffee. Lovely lovely coffee. Whomever looked at the coffee bean and decided to roast it, smash it and mix it with boiling water.. THEY ARE AWESOME!! That being said, whomever picked the beans out of the cat poop and decided to do the same thing.. Gross. Just gross. I don't care how good that coffee is, it came out of cat poop.

Animal Crackers

I miss when life was simple.. Boys had cooties.. Parents NEVER had sex. Movies were filled with intrigue, cigarettes and alcohol. Seat belts were a suggestion, and the economy was looking up. Now it's all cell phones, sex and easy money. No one wants to WORK for a living any more.. a little hard work never hurt any one. People should take care of their own, before worrying about other countries. Remember our parents telling us to mind our own business? Maybe as countries, we should take that to heart.. There is no one way of thinking, no one path to righteousness. Who is to say one way is better than another? If we took care of our country and our citizens needs first, the world would be in better shape... Like how can America even consider building a wall along the 49th parallel? They can't afford it. They can't even afford social security, or health care for their citizens. They can spend millions of dollars invading a foreign country to get their oil (lets be honest, it's why they invaded Iraq and Afghanistan) but can't fix their economy. They should take care of their own before screwing up everyone else's country. <breathe> Like I said.. I miss it when things were simple. Like when people complained when gas prices were over $0.36/L..

I married myself today

I take myself to have and to hold, from this day forth, for better and for worse for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health. I promise to be true to my self in good times and bad, to love and honor myself all the days of my life.

I have had enough of people telling me I need a man in my life. I don't need a boyfriend, a husband.. I need a friend to stand by me and to accept me as myself. who better to do this than myself? I already know my faults, my virtues, my hopes, my dreams and my downfalls. I know what I want out of life and how I'm going to get it. I'm a plus size woman and I love my curves. I'm sexy and fun, and I don't need to be asking myself " Do I look fat in this?" I have confidence, and I don't need someone undermining me. I can lie to others, but not to myself. I am my best friend, and I will never leave myself for another. If more women married themselves, to make themselves happy, there would be a lot less divorces. So here's to happiness, for all the days of my life. <3

Sparkles Sparkles Everywhere

So my kiddo decided we should watch the Twilight movies, all of them.. Did I mention she's 5?  She keeps asking questions: "What happens next? Why are they doing that? Why is it always raining? why is she carrying that? (referring to the cactus) Why is the music so sad? Does that man die? Is he a police man?  That's right.. we're only 15 minutes into the first movie... I love watching movies with my kiddo, she's always so honest about her thoughts. "She's fine!! It was not a car accident , right mommy? It almost was, but it wasn't" I love how she answers her own questions.... oh, and she talks to the characters on screen.. she loves to lecture Edward... "Stop lying! You were right over there and then you weren't. TELL THE TRUTH!" She's more entertaining than the movie.. and she finds Mike irritating. Apparently he's stupid and annoying.. "and you can't park beside the grass. you have to park in the parking lot." Did I mention she's a smart kid?  and now.. she's talking about giant babies.. and has lost me completely...

So... This is new....

Ok... So basically I decided to do this because I'm lonely and it beats the hell out of talking to myself. Apparently talking to cyber space will make me feel less crazy.. so here goes...

I'm an angry person.. i never used to be.. i mean i always had a temper, but now it seems like everything sets me off..

• Skinny girls who complain they're fat 
• People who can't take the effort to type whole words 
• People in the front of a line talking on their phone
• Asshole drivers, who yell at pedestrians crossing in crosswalks
• People who talk just to here their own voice
• People who inbreed their cats
• Doctors who don't take moms seriously
• How America will meddle in any other world issue rather than fix their own
• How my ex moved to Edmonton to be with his new girlfriend and her three kids (when he couldn't stand to watch his own)
• How my ex will spend money on stupid shit, while I don't get a dime in child support
• how when you're pregnant, everyone touches your stomach
• when people ask a question, then get pissed off/upset when you give them an honest answer
• how twilight vampires sparkle in sunlight instead of decompose
• when no matter how closely i watch what i eat.. i still gain weight
• how we all ask for acceptance, but refuse to accept others as they are.. yes even i do that..and it irritates me..

SO this turned into a bitch list, which was not the point..