Man is Born, Man suffers, Man Dies

It's not that I don't like love, or happiness. It's just that I am having a hard time moving forward. Moving on isn't hard, moving forward is. Moving past my bad experiences, moving past the fears and insecurities they created. It's hard to see someone going through something similar to what I just finished going through that didn't end well. I don't want to poison people against things that could result in amazing life changing circumstances, I just want them to be careful. When I see or hear things that are identical to what he said to me, my instincts start screaming to run away.. This has very little to do with how well I know someone, it's just instincts. So I'm trying my damnest to not run away screaming. I'm trying insanely hard to be supportive, but it's hard. I'm emotionally damaged, and after the fiasco my instincts got me into last time, I'm not exactly trusting them right now.

Hear me Roar

I love my job. Don't laugh. I honestly love it. I'm an assistant manager at the local movie theatre. I have been there for 8 years. I love working nights, and I love the atmosphere. We're a fun group of people. However, since my child started kindergarten, working nights has become a conflict. I need to seek full time employment some where that will allow me to maximize the time I am able to spend with my child when she is not in school. I have a high school diploma, as well as some university education. I would love to find a job to meet my needs, as well as be something that I could turn into a career. I want to be able to go back to university and get a degree to help further my career. I've been filling out applications, and I have to tell you, they make me feel like an unintelligent under qualified slacker. One has an online option to fill out a skills profile.. so after and hour and a half, it was determined that I can answer phones, speak English, type, file paperwork, and deal with people. Lucky me. Oh, and I have company Loyalty. Not that that counts for anything. All I want is to be able to pay all my bills in the same month, provide for my child, and raise her right. I'm not scared of a little hard work, and through perseverance I will succeed. I am independant, Hear me Roar.

Word Epilepsy

So I have been reading "Of Human Bondage" by W. Somerset Maugham, and beside finding it very.. "English", I like it. I'm learning all sorts of new vocabulary. "Expostulated" and "ineradicably" "Sonorous" and "Gregarious" "Obsequiously". I love reading something and finding new words. They make me feel.. intelligent. I own an e-reader, and as much flack as I receive for having one, I love it. It has a built in dictionary, which is one feature that I find insanely useful. I was once told that when you are reading something and you come across a word that you don't know the meaning of, you might as well stop, and look it up. The author put that word there for a reason, and if you don't understand the word, then anything you read after that word will be a waste of time and effort, for without knowing what that one word meant, the text looses integrity. This became stuck in my head, and every time I come across a word I don't know, I have a desire to look it up. I love how easy it is with an "in book" dictionary. Don't get me wrong, I love books. I love their look, feel, smell, the sound made when you turn the page.. I wouldn't trade my books for data versions, but I like the convenience of the e-reader. I tend to read any where I can, and I love not having to carry multiple novels in my purse, just in case I finished one. I still love the smell of an old book, and the feel of a new one. Also, when reading in bed and falling asleep, the e-reader doesn't hurt quite so bad when it bops you on the nose. So in conclusion, "Slatternly".

Snowflake Flowers

25 kg of flour
15 kg of sugar
15 lbs of margerine
24 cookie cutters
3 dozen eggs
10 lbs butter

So I'm finally starting my Christmas baking..my snowflakes now look like flowers.. so i switched to stars.. it's gonna be a LONG season this year....

I wish, I wish

My daughter asked me what my Christmas wish was. I answered, "My wish is that you never know hunger, never know homelessness, never feel hopeless." I wish that she grows up loving herself, and never compromises for anyone. I wish that she grows up strong and sure of herself. I wish that she always feels loved and always feels that she can always come home. My wish, is for her to be a child and to enjoy her childhood. My wish is for her to not grow up before she has too. I want my daughter to look back on her childhood and remember happy  things. She is my mirror.

No, I do not know Tom from Toronto, though I'm sure he is very nice.

h good God. Yes, Canada has a military, you sarcastic ass. Just because we don't over compensate by having enough nuclear weapons to over kill the world 28 times, doesn't mean we can't defend our borders or our allies. Who was one of the FIRST countries to support the U.S. in their war on Terrorism and send troops into Afghanistan and Iraq? The Canadians. So don't go off about the Canadian Military. We have one, we use it, and you should be fucking thankful. Arrogant American Asses. I'm so tired of Americans thinking that their way is the only way. The only safe thing about living next to the States is that they wouldn't risk setting off a nuclear weapon in their own back yard. That being said... They think their military is so all powerful, when in fact, it isn't, it's just more technologically advanced then others. The Chinese military out numbers them .. what.. 10 to 1? I'm really tired of Americans joking about the Canadian military. We're their ally, and act as such, so why don't they behave as such? Oh right, because they're Americans, King Shit of Turd Alley. <breathes> I know right now it sounds like I hate Americans, but I don't. I just don't like certain individuals who are of the mindset that Canada is a backward nation. We do not have snow year round, we do not live in igloos, and we do have a Military.

There is no easy way out.

One of the hardest things about being a single parent is making the decision about work. Do I take more hours to make more money to make ends meet, which would mean less time with my kid, or do I decline the extra hours, tighten the budget and spend one more night a week with my kid? You think it would be an easy decision.. it's not. The worst part is, I have to make this decision by myself. There is no one I can turn to for advice on this. Its a dilemma, and all sides need to be considered before I make my choice.. I want to make the best choice for my kid.. Welcome to another lonely stressful night of agonizing decision making. My biggest wishes are for my kid to grow up happy and healthy, and to pay the phone bill, the cable bill and the electric bill all in the same month. Such simple things.. why do they seem so in-achievable?